No, you know what? I'm gonna keep harping on Gnomeo and Juliet for a while. I mean, I've seen bad trailers for bad movies before (I've seen good trailers for bad movies too) but Gnomeo and Juliet has managed to wedge itself in my skull and burrow into my brain; spreading its hateful, disgusting thought-plague throughout my body. Just saying the name makes me feel dirty. Go ahead. Try it; say "Gnomeo and Juliet" out lout and see how it feels. If you don't feel violated, then I fear for our future.
Honestly, the best word to describe how the way I feel about this idea is 'obscene'. Completely lacking in artistic or literary value. They might as well just show an hour and a half of Shakespeare getting beaten and raped by a rabid pelican.
Fuck this movie! Fuck it so much.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
They really, finally did it...
This is the worst. This goes far beyond my comprehension of morally and artistically wrong.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gnomeo-and-juliet/trailers/11122036
You know what this means? Some Hollywood producer saw Romeo and Juliet and thought:
"Yeah, that was pretty good. But you know what would make it great? Garden gnomes. Yeah, garden gnomes and Elton John-oh and it needs to be in 3-D!"
And for me the most disappointing part of this whole thing is that since it's clearly aimed at children (warping Shakespeare's classic for an entire generation of kids, by the way) they'll change the ending. So I wont even get the satisfaction of watching the star cross'd gnomes die horribly from poison and daggers.
God and they'll probably end with a dance party before rolling credits.
I just...gah.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gnomeo-and-juliet/trailers/11122036
You know what this means? Some Hollywood producer saw Romeo and Juliet and thought:
"Yeah, that was pretty good. But you know what would make it great? Garden gnomes. Yeah, garden gnomes and Elton John-oh and it needs to be in 3-D!"
And for me the most disappointing part of this whole thing is that since it's clearly aimed at children (warping Shakespeare's classic for an entire generation of kids, by the way) they'll change the ending. So I wont even get the satisfaction of watching the star cross'd gnomes die horribly from poison and daggers.
God and they'll probably end with a dance party before rolling credits.
I just...gah.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
And the award for 'Most Baffling Tortured Metaphor Used in a Movie Trailer' goes to...
The "Evaporating Mountaintop Water-Drop" parable from the trailer for I'm Still Here,
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/im_still_here_the_lost_year_of_joaquin_phoenix/trailers/11118428
In all seriousness though, when I first saw the stills for this movie, I thought Zach Galifianakis was trying to parody the Bob Dylan bio, I'm Not There. Which, upon refection, would probably be more pleasant than watching an an hour and forty minutes of Joaquin Phoenix transforming into a rapper. No hard feelings toward the man, I understand the entire Phoenix (or rather, Bottom) family had a troubled past; what with the whole Children of God business. It's just that when someone spends thousands (maybe millions) of dollars to parade their hardships in the visual medium, I tend to lose the ability to empathize. I dislike reality TV for that same reason.
But who knows, it's just the trailer. Maybe the actual film will be a tender and sympathetic portrayal of a deeply troubled man finding the right outlet for his pain. Until then, I reserve the right to laugh at the fact the Joaquin now looks just like Zach Galifianakis. And I am sure that joke will never get old.
I'm Captain Gorgeous, and I haven't thought up a catch-phrase yet.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/im_still_here_the_lost_year_of_joaquin_phoenix/trailers/11118428
In all seriousness though, when I first saw the stills for this movie, I thought Zach Galifianakis was trying to parody the Bob Dylan bio, I'm Not There. Which, upon refection, would probably be more pleasant than watching an an hour and forty minutes of Joaquin Phoenix transforming into a rapper. No hard feelings toward the man, I understand the entire Phoenix (or rather, Bottom) family had a troubled past; what with the whole Children of God business. It's just that when someone spends thousands (maybe millions) of dollars to parade their hardships in the visual medium, I tend to lose the ability to empathize. I dislike reality TV for that same reason.
But who knows, it's just the trailer. Maybe the actual film will be a tender and sympathetic portrayal of a deeply troubled man finding the right outlet for his pain. Until then, I reserve the right to laugh at the fact the Joaquin now looks just like Zach Galifianakis. And I am sure that joke will never get old.
I'm Captain Gorgeous, and I haven't thought up a catch-phrase yet.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I always thought whetstone sounded like a dirty word.
Well, I've finally pushed myself to get in the habit of writing regularly, and Imma be (ugh, I hate this word) blogging about my favorite obsession: movies. I want to talk about the machinations and inner workings of the film industry; also the way movies affect me, and society in general. But since I'm so out of the practice of writing, and since this is the first blog I've ever done, I'll hold off on the serious stuff till I've properly warmed up. So my first handful of posts will just be Favorites lists, reviews of older movies, and other less inspired schlock. So here we go, diving headfirst into the swamp of self aggrandizing pseudo-journalism.
P.S. Oh, and the picture links are my way of trying to add a little spice to the article. They'll probably only show up in posts when I want to ramp up the humor, but do expect to see them again. Some of them are just the first things that popped up when I Googled that particular word or phrase. Try and guess which ones are Googled, and which are deliberate.
P.S. Oh, and the picture links are my way of trying to add a little spice to the article. They'll probably only show up in posts when I want to ramp up the humor, but do expect to see them again. Some of them are just the first things that popped up when I Googled that particular word or phrase. Try and guess which ones are Googled, and which are deliberate.
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